DTR: worth defining?

This is our first attempt at blogging real time together.  Clearly this will lead to Pulitzer Prizes and nominations for the Nobel Peace Prize for tackling this important topic between men and women.

The question is this- what is the purpose of the DTR ("defining the relationship")?  Why do people want it? What is behind it for men and women?  What drives it? And why is it necessary?  Are all bets off until you have it?

Sarah just finished the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  For those who have not read it- please please please pick it up.  It emphasizes the differences between the thought process of women and men.  For example- on Mars- it is seen as a sign of weakness to ask for help or to share emotions (this is where MEN live).  However, on Venus- asking for help and talking about feelings is seen as normal and something that invites friends into your life.  So let's discuss the ultimate feeling- the feeling of love- and more importantly- when to define what you are feeling with the person you are feeling it with.  WHEN DO YOU NEED THE LABEL!?!?!?!

Karl will go first.  Sarah poses the question- Karl- what does the word relationship mean to you and why are men so scared to define what a relationship is with one person?

(drum roll....)....


The word relationship scares me in general. I feel like it is not just about being with one person but giving up the life you used to live. It's about not being able to go play basketball when you want or having to check in with the " girlfriend" before you do. It's about having to deal with the ups and downs that any relationship inevitably has without having the option to just leave.  For some reason when I say I'm dating someone it seems so much more harmless than the R word. This means I have the option to get out.  It means I'm not trapped forever. It means I'll never be truly "whipped." Now let's hand it over to Sarah who probably hates me right now!

Sarah...

Thank you, Karl.  Women LUUUUUUUUUUUUUV defining relationships.  Why?  Because it give us a reason to get PISSED at your when you F@#$ up!  If I'm your "girlfriend" and you ask another girl for her number- I can be mad.  If you make out with another girl- I can get PISSED! Until we are defined... I have no right to get mad - there is NO expectation of exclusivity.  That is why women like to define the relationship- it offers "security" and a verbal contract (yes I'm a lawyer) that you will see only each other until told otherwise.  It provides clarity and women LOVE clarity.  It means everything to us.  We want to define things early and often... we want to know we are the last thing you think of when you go to bed and the first thing you think of in the morning.  We don't want to worry about you with other women... we want to know where we stand.  For these reasons- women LOVE to define relationships and it is extremely important- b/c if you are not manning up and showing a girl how much she means to you through actions and words- this is all we have to hang on to.

Karl?

Sorry. I'm back now. I was running away scared out of my mind by what I just read. But seriously, let's address the second sentence here. Women are always looking for ways to get mad at us. I feel like I spend half my time apologizing for shit I don't even know what I'm apologizing for.  Half is actually being nice. I'd say a solid 76%. Now maybe this is because I'm just an idiot which is probably true, but why are girls so freaking strict? Sometimes I want to lay in my bathrobe with chicken wings and drink beer by myself. I still like you but I want some man time.

Addressing the security issue. If I'm not secure with a girl then she's not worth my time.  I'll just go kayaking on the Potomac and listen to Phil Collins.  In fact, I've been known to encourage my significant other to talk to other guys. At the end of the night I know she is coming home with me so why should I be concerned?

Sarah: How long is it okay to " just have fun" without defining the relationship?

Thanks, Karl.  The lawyer in me will give you the lawyer-ly answer- IT DEPENDS!!!!  (that's what keeps us in business FYI).  If I'm engaging in heavy physical activity with a guy- I would expect he is not doing the same with someone else.  However, I recognize this is an insecurity with myself and not something I can actually expect.  I've been guilty of saying to my brother "oh well I hooked up with him, that means we are exclusive".... to which Mark (my brother) will say "uuuuuuh hell no!".

Girls are vulnerable- when we physically put ourselves out there we want to think we are the only egg in a guy's basket.  We know this is not really the case.  So there is a balance that women have to internally fight between wanting to define something when WE want it defined and when it is probably more "socially acceptable" to define things.  So we wait... and wait... for the right time to bring it up.  Is it a month? Is it two months? 

It just depends how the relationship is going.  I tend to be kinda girly and if it's been two months- I'm going to ask.  Hey dude- where do I stand?  It's not meant to be threatening but hey just let me know what to expect.  I think guys get REALLY scared off by this question but MEN LISTEN- it is NOT meant to scare you off- girls just really want to know where they stand.  If men say- we are not exclusive guess what women think??? Freaking HALL PASS!!!! 

We don't get sad (ok some do but those girls need to not be so lame).  Again, it all comes down to clarity.  If I'm dating a guy and I think we are exclusive and i ask and he says otherwise- guess what- I'm going back off.  You get what you put into it. We want clarity and until you give it to us- don't expect us to be sitting at home on  Friday night waiting for you to call.  BOOYA

Karl:

Hall Pass was a great movie by the way. Saw it on an Airplane.  Anyway,  let me just say that my old motto has always been " have your cake and eat it too for as long as you can." That's how a lot of men think. I know, shameful.  However, I've found recently that when you do meet the right girl you are excited to tell people about her and define the r...situation.  See I'm still scared of the R word.  Anyway, there really isn't any set timetable for defining a relationship.  A lot of times girls think guys don't want to define the relationship because they want to have relations with other girls. That is sometimes true. but really it is because we don't want to give up our freedom. 

What are your thoughts? Facebook friends please respond.